Make Me Laugh Monday 9/13/10

Hilarious Quotes from those folks who get the big bucks!!!

Have a great Monday all!!


"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash."
-Jerry Seinfeld

"It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate."
-Dave Barry

"My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know
where the hell she is."
-Ellen DeGeneres

"He taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house."
-Zsa Zsa Gabor

"A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the
other guy live."
-Bob Hope

"I don't have a bank account because I don't know my
mother's maiden name."
-Paula Poundstone

"Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together."
-Oprah Winfrey

"I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my
lawyer thinks he can get me five."
-Steven Wright

"My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe."
~ Jimmy Durante ~

"A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done."
~ Fred Allen ~

Women speak because they wish to speak, whereas a man speaks only when driven to speech by something outside himself -- like, for instance, he can't find any clean socks.
~ Jean Kerr ~

I'm so old they've cancelled my blood type.
~ Bob Hope ~

"When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her."
~ Sacha Guitry ~

"There is one thing I would break up over and that is if she caught me with another woman. I wouldn't stand for that."
~ Steve Martin ~

"Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife."
~ Groucho Marx ~

"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
~ Groucho Marx ~

"Always get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted a whole day."
~ Mickey Rooney ~

"In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice that still continues."
~ Helen Rowland ~

"My husband and I didn't sign a pre-nuptial agreement. We signed a mutual suicide pact."
~ Roseanne Barr ~